Give yourself an "A"- looking back a year from today- Inspired by Ben Zander

April 27, 2013

Dear Hannah,

A year has passed since you sat down and wrote this letter to yourself. Wondering what to write to encapsulate the thoughts that swirl around head and hardly make sense to yourself, let alone the people you try to explain yourself to. You are not in school anymore, so it's been a little while since you thought in terms of grades as a measure of worth. In fact, you say, grades never mattered that much anyways. But I'm here to say that over the course of this year, you have made so much progress in the way you live your life that you have earned an "A" in my grade book.

You have been navigating the waters of independence now for about three years, and this no longer frightens you.   You've learned to ask for help when you need it. All of the obstacles that have come your way and all of the people who have so generously offered their love and support have helped you realize that you're never alone. Inspired by the altruism and wisdom of so many kind souls, you have made it a priority in your life to love others. To find the good and embrace it. To humble yourself and listen even when you think you already understand what they are trying to say. To give with intention, and without expectation. To laugh, dance, and hug freely, and embrace the differences in individuals.

In embracing your spontaneous spirit of creativity, you have also come to see commitment as a vital ingredient in lasting change. The challenges that you so desperately tried to avoid previously have reared their heads and you have met them with confidence, knowing that they are the seeds of growth. Many of the problems and obstacles have been of your own making- caused by thought and behavior patterns which did not let you see the sun light. In simply realizing this fact, you have become more honest, more patient, and more accepting of your own short comings. Instead of the constant internal dialogue of self doubt, you have come to find more and more productive things to think about.

I don't know where you are living right now, or where you are working, whether you are dating anyone. All that I know for sure is that you are OK. You are standing on your own two feet, enjoying life, and finding ways to contribute to a better society. Instead of guilt, shame, or pity, you find empowerment.

With all the love in the world, and in gratitude for all of the work and challenges you have undertaken, I give you this outstanding grade. Here's to an eternity of good will!

Sincerely,

Me

Lost poem- found!

What a bus ride!  I believe I may have snagged about 4 hours of sleep... I listened to Brahm's German Requiem on my Walkman CD player, and it spoke to me to such a degree that I listened again, and again, and again.  There is something sublime about Requiems: they offer us the full scope of human emotions, and help us to see why we hold onto life.  There is a certain underlying calm, even during the moments of extreme passion in the chorus.  We can feel the agony and the ecstasy within ourselves, all the while bobbing peacefully in an ocean of sound.
Fittingly, I found a poem yesterday, which I must have written about two years ago.  Let me share it with you now.

For the joy of breath,
The tears of love
the hunger and the hatred,
Here's to life!
To all who lived but yesterday,
To all who live today
To all who yet live not but shall
    In just another day

The moment is but all that is,
And never stay it put,
for time is like the dough of bread,
the pacing of a foot.

Never do we know
The reason for which we've come,
But wonder this to pass the time
for mysteries are fun.

What difference would it make
If our purpose were outlined?
Would we live in any better way to know
That we could find
The things that we are searching for,
the truths that to us bind?

With doubt, I say,
for through all time
We've lived and not known why.


I don't remember why I wrote it, but I think it is a lovely reminder to let things happen as they do, and to not insist on having the answer.  I hope you enjoyed it!

A short but dynamic trip to Akron

Today is the last day of a three day visit home to Akron, Ohio.  In these three days, I have tried to fit in visits with the most important people of my life- grandparents, aunts, lifelong friends, mothers, fathers, and the most adorable, lovable piece of fur, my cat Askia.  Three days packed to the gills with meal upon meal, smile upon smile, one car ride after another.  As much as I love all of these wonderful people, and miss them terribly when I am away, the real reason I came home was to see the Akron Symphony Orchestra's 60th anniversary concert.
This might seem a bit strange if you don't know me. After all, I live in New York, where I could have my choice of  orchestra concerts on any given night.  That said, my family's deep connections to this ensemble, and my experiences playing in the Youth Symphony and the Symphony Chorus throughout middle and high school, give me reason to celebrate the history of an institution which, for many people defines my home town.
The concert, led by conductor Christopher Wilkins, begins with Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings- a tribute to Ping Yu, long time member of the violin section, who recently passed away.  The piece is pensive and probing.  Like a vision in the mist over a steamy lake it hangs gracefully over itself, revealing a piece of regret and longing in the heart of each musician and audience member alike.  We come next to Dave Brubeck's Ansel Adams: America.  The composer is an Akron native.  The piece accompanies a projection of Ansel Adams photographs which portray the agonizing beauty of the vast American West. After experiencing the grandest in nature, our focus is pulled homeward to travel a road not of place but of time.
Commissioned for this concert, Roger Zahab's Akron Chronogram is a deeply personal look back at the history and legacy of the sixty years worth unique individuals who, with their commitment and zeal, made the orchestra what it is today.  And who better to write such a piece? Roger is a native Akronite, a successful composer, conductor, teacher and violinist, who received his early exposure to symphonic music thanks to the ASO.  His work is always deeply personal, he explained in the pre-concert talk.  He associates music with specific people.  Chronogram takes the history of the orchestra and Roger's personal interactions with past and present members and directors, and weaves them together.  Above the orchestra is a projection of a video created by Laura Bidwell, showing her visions of Akron.  At the end of the piece, there is 60 seconds of "grand tuning" written into the score. The players are instructed to tune and play scales and difficult passages of the piece or other pieces.  This brings us squarely back to the present.  The players become once again themselves preparing for the next piece on the program, after inhabiting the souls of their forebears.  Akron Chronogram captures the imagination for those of us who never met the people described by the music.  We can wonder who they were, we can create our own stories of their lives.  I can't wait to hear it again when it is aired on WKSU.org in a couple of weeks.
After an intermission, we have are treated to Dvorak's 9th Symphony "From the New World" inspired by the composer's time in America.  There's nothing like a great and iconic symphony to send us out into the streets with gusto.
Thank you Maestro Wilkins, Roger Zahab, thanks to all of the musicians who played with their hearts on their sleeves, and to everyone who came before them.  It was a concert I will never forget.
Akron, it is good to see you.  To look out my living room window and see the same trees and the same roof tops that I looked at throughout my childhood.  I may have changed, but you are still here, holding the past.  Good luck, I'll be back soon.
Now to get ready for my 12 hour bus ride back to New York.  Yippee!

"Don't ask what the world needs...

What next?  
To build a life.  A beautiful life.  Full of joy, creative expression, passion.  Full of love and comfort.  Adventure and risk will be with me always.  
In all these considerations I have to make to figure out what I want to do, I have to remember these things.  And I suppose its not the end of the world that I am not a particularly picky person.  I am pretty much ok no matter what may come.   Even though I am not always confident in my own abilities, my parents seem to see something that I don’t.  And they love me despite everything.  
Really I suppose I am in an incredibly unique position.  I may be stressed by all the options out there, but hey- I’m free!!!
I’m ready for anything.  I can feel it in my veins that I am destined for incredible things.  Huge things--- changing the world!!! I can make a difference to one person’s life, I can make the world a better place.  I want to channel all the people who have meant something to me in my life.  Made it all the more beautiful for their gifts.
My blood- Dad, Elizabeth, MayaPapaya, Mom, Mama, Grandma, Mama, Kerry, Kirsty, Grandpa, Bobby, Ann.
Suzanne, Ann and Dick Winland, Abby Hillman.
Marsha, Roger, Sarah Adams, for bringing arts to my life, allowing me to see how I might live a more meaningful life. To Jim, Sue Wallin, Ron.  
All the Wallersteins.
All my teachers over the years and years.  Everyone who has encouraged my development.
My sweet old friends- Cesily, Monica, Katie, Carly
To my new-found friends, to my roommate Tiffany, and to the wonderfully ethereal community I find myself to be a part of in Green Point. To the people who have welcomed me here to New York, without any expectation of favors returned.  To the warmth and joy found at the church, and the feeling of possibilities and never ending energy. For the commitment to welcoming. All Souls is the the epitome of what I love about New York. And The main reason I choose to stay here.
To Tami Small for her love, to Rebecca Shapiro, Marguerite Rhodes, Peggy Crane, even Phyllis. Giving out of the goodness of their hearts to a young lady they hardly know, opening their homes and welcoming me.
Sometimes they love me more than I am willing to love myself.  Here is everyone in my heart, poking through.
It is so easy to take it all for granted and say I deserve more than what I have.  It is so easy to forget all of the wonderful, beautiful people and places I have met, all of the dances and songs I have learned, all of the poems and prayers that have been whispered in my presence.
It is so so so very easy to throw everything away and to hole up in my loneliness.  To try to be someone else.  To forget that my most valuable possession is my ability to see inside the heart of another human being and to hold that spirit.
I love you all. Now it is my turn to look inside my heart and see what I have to offer to you, and to offer my gratitude in a more tangible way.
Most of all I must say thank you to the earth. For sustaining me. For accepting me, and not spitting me out. Even though I am part of a system that doesn't acknowledge your beauty enough.


"...ask what makes you come alive, because what the world needs is more people who have come alive," Howard Thurman. 
Here's to joy, fulfillment, life, and love!

From Pain to Passion- an Exploration

A perfect summer sunset meets me as I step onto the roof of the industrial warehouse turned art gallery which I now call my home.  Blonde viola in left hand, carbon fiber bow in the other, tentatively I begin with tuning.  Out comes a timid sound,  maybe not more than a few choked vibrations, yet as I warm up with some simple three octave scales, something inside of me lightens up, and for a moment I am reminded of the feeling of passion.  In that moment I feel as though I alone hold the key to the universe, that I am sailing far above the plane of ordinary human thoughts.  It is a feeling that I have had many times before, that has been inspired by a handful of activities, a feeling that I treasure, but have not experienced in what feels like forever. While it may only have been a flicker, the feeling was so beautiful that I am determined to feel it again, to build on it, and to create something that inspires other people to feel the same way.
  The word passion is derived from the Greek "pashko" which means to suffer.  It is an intense emotion, compelling feeling, enthusiasm or desire for something, according to Wikipedia.  No wonder artists suffer so.  What comes out of them is of the purest joy, yet it must be extruded painstakingly with little regard for human needs in order to reach the highest peak of perfection.  But why do we need pain to feel this joy?  Why must we give everything of ourselves in order to ascend to a higher order?  When we are steeped in a consumerist mentality, which tends to be the norm, we are dependent on others to please our fancies.  Everyone but ourselves, own guts, know what is best for us.  And yet the small victories that greet us in that frame of mind, serve only to plant the next seed of want.  I suspect that pulling ourselves away from the treadmill of stuff is one of the most painful things a person can do, and it is something which can appear to alienate us from the world we  know.  Entitlement is the biggest blocker of fulfillment.  It is only when a person realizes that she alone is responsible for bringing joy into her life, and subsequently notices her power to help others, that she can transcend.
Many times in my life I have felt this flame to varying degrees.  Stepping out of a symphony concert or a particularly poignant sermon, dancing until I am wearing a soaked leotard and bloody pointe shoes, participating in a lively conversation, having an orgasm... They happen to the strongest degree if I take responsibility for my own pleasure, divorce myself from the expectations of others, and allow myself to suffer.
There is hardly a memory when it is over, and the more I try to explain to others, the more it dissipates.