Me when I'm alone

Left to my own Devices

Let me check again,
Just one more time.
Maybe I got a like
Even a comment?
Maybe this email
Has something
In the Inbox
I just cleared

No, not yet.
But maybe this one does?
It's ok I'll check again
In 30 minutes
Oh what the hell
Why wait,
I can just check now.

Let me check again

This Emptiness

Fill me up with all the pain
Don't let me sit here, empty
Let me bleed black blood
And put the fire to consume
my flesh, but never
let me sit here, empty

Let's argue, bicker and fight
And never agree
Let's tear each other up and
leave nothing intact
But don't let's sit in silence

I can't stand this empty, empty place
My lungs don't even fill up any more
My polite smile masks my
numb insides

I don't
I don't want
I can't do anything
To stop

This
Emptiness

Is the Girl Who is Walking

Is The Girl Who is Walking

The streets of New York

Awake to the chasing movements of her feet

Which are placed methodically one after the other

On the concrete without letter her lift off

And soar through the clouds which graze

Our dreams of a beyond beyond that place

Where everything and nothing at once are

Conceived and to which everything and nothing

Will return,

Does she know that her steps are not steps

But leaps which take her there

While the rooted trees stand firmly

Without compromise knowing that

To break their twines would be to lose hold

Of all that they know

And to certainly die,

But what is death but another of the rooms

Which we will never enter

Because as soon as we turn the knob

We cease to be

Perhaps it's not as bad

As we dream. Do dreams foreshadow waking life

Or are they simply storms of electrons

Catching each other on blazing fire replicating

At random the shapes and colors that fill

Our perceptions, leaving the dreamer

At the mercy of her brain to connect them

In a pattern which only makes sense

To she who has dreamt it and keeps it

In her heart as she walks

The streets of New York

Looking back and looking forward

I have exciting plans this summer, and my friend Ian suggested that I log my experiences on my little, old, and nearly forgotten blog. So since I haven't posted an update in a while, I guess I should fill you in on the events of this past year before we look ahead to the summer.

I finished my second year at CCNY, and somehow managed to maintain a 4.0 average (I honestly don't know how I did that because towards the end of the Spring semester I was more than a little burned out and turned in work that was definitely not my best). I did this while working full time as an assistant manager at Oren's Daily Roast, teaching Sunday School, and working as a research assistant for one of my professors. As you can imagine, my time was pretty tightly scheduled, but I managed to squeeze in a couple of fun things, like taking a traditional Arab Vocals class at Alwan for the Arts.

I was accepted as a New York Life Fellow at the Colin Powell Center for Leadership and Service, which essentially means that for the next two years I'll be doing additional course work centered around public policy. The fellowship comes with a sizable scholarship, which means I probably won't have to work full time and can focus a little more on my school work (and have more fun). I'm really excited about this fellowship because it is a network of amazing people. The contacts I gain and the mentoring I receive will be immensely helpful as my career path begins to take shape.

I am so grateful to everyone in my life who helped me get through this year. There were times when I felt like I was running around with a blindfold over my eyes, so I'm sure that I haven't taken the time to thank you yet. Rashell, you were an amazing roommate who let me complain about whatever annoying things were happening, while reminding me to relax a little and trust the universe. Elizabeth, thank you for being the amazing sister that you are and for listening to me hyperventilate on the phone when I didn't think I could finish a paper. Julia, you are my one good friend at CCNY, so thank you for being a great study buddy and absurdity-observation partner. I'm so proud of you for graduating, and I'm glad that you'll still be on and around campus. Thank you, Maryah, for being a ray of sunshine, for being an Arabic conversation buddy, and for writing the letter of recommendation for the fellowship (which was obviously the reason I got it). Thank you ASYA community for being a magical source of new roommates and subletters. And of course I have to thank the amazing three-year olds who I teach every Sunday for reminding me of the simplicity of fun and joy.

So what are my summer plans? I'm going to good-old Akron, Ohio for two whole months. I have an internship at the International Institute of Akron, where I'll be assisting with refugee resettlement. I don't quite know what to expect yet, or exactly what kind of work I'll be doing. But I'm looking forward to meeting the families that I'll be working with and to learning about their cultures. I'll try to keep you posted throughout the summer!

Ohio here I come!

Poem February 21

I'm unzipping my jacket and letting down my hair
when I see a mannequin wink at me through a window
on Lexington Avenue. Yesterday she wore a garment of
darkly died wool but today she sports a
soft pastel dress and sandals.

She asks me what it's like to be walking
on this first mild day after so many cold,
how the wind feels against my face,
and what I smell as I breathe it in.

"Freedom," I whisper, "and despite the
city lights, being aware of the
infinite cosmos around us.

The Person I Sometimes Think I Want to Be

The person I sometimes think I want to be can do anything she wants. She can scale mountains wearing a ball gown, she can play viola concertos from memory to a pack of raging hyenas, she can speak 18 languages, and she can bake the most complicated dish perfectly on the first attempt. This girl is environmentally conscious: she has figured out a way to never buy anything new while always looking amazing, and she never puts anything to waste. 

Sometimes she is a wanderer- spending years on end peacefully sailing across oceans or riding trains across the country making friends with everyone she meets. 

Sometimes this girl solves all the world's problems with one weird trick. She brings peace to warring nations using an obvious solution that was sitting in front of everyone the whole time, unnoticed. 

Needless to say, she has it all figured out. She has perfect relationships with every family, friend, and lover. Never forgets to bake a cake and paint a card for their birthdays. She's the person everyone calls when they need help or a kind word, and she jumps in without hesitation, always knowing exactly what to do.

Her mind is agile and her body is sharp. She doesn't need any sleep, so she has more time to read every novel and memorize every poem.

Sometimes she is a seeker, always wanting to know and see more, and sometimes she is content in the splendor of her surroundings.

Sometimes she followed a path from which the real me veered away. She is the professional violist now playing with the Cleveland Orchestra, or the dancer now in ABT.

But sometimes, the person I want to be is the person that I really am. And all these other me's fade into the background of my soul. But they are not unimportant. They give me insight into what I value most. They usually underscore some part of my life that I am not happy with, helping to make meaningful changes. Best yet, they keep me company with exciting adventures in my mind!

I will never be exactly the person I want to be because of her elusive and otherworldly nature, but I can gradually become more like her.

South America 2014

I was hanging out virtually with one of my favorite people, Monica, last night.  She's in Ecuador, and I'm in New York City, but Skype allows us to have a video version of each other to talk to.  It's not something I've done very often, so I'm not used to the feeling of being watched from afar, but I can't say how awesome it was to feel like we were just chilling like the old times.  Now, at this point, you're probably wondering why she's in Ecuador, and why this story is relevant to anything  (I haven't posted in this blog in almost a year, so this post better be interesting, don't you think?).

Monica is studying biology at Denison University, which is outside of Columbus Ohio.  This semester, she's on something akin to a field study, but I'm not sure what exactly it's called.  She's hanging out in a small village in Ecuador, studying plants.  Developing natural pesticides and fungicides, and all sorts of craziness.  I'm super impressed, and also a bit jealous that she is spending so much time in a beautiful, peaceful environment, while I'm in a big city, churning nonstop with people, ideas, work, and stress.  

So when she asks me to join her in backpacking through South America with her next summer, I nearly jump off my mattress, where I was folding laundry.  That's exactly the kind of trip that I've been dying for.  And I couldn't think of someone I'd rather do it with.  My immediate answer was, Let's Do It!!!!!!

Thinking forward, there's a lot of work to do in preparation.  I need to somehow save enough money.  I would probably need to put away $100 each month until then.  This is not going to easy.  Margins are very tight as it is, so I think I need to get creative.  If you have any ideas, let me know.  If anyone is going to give me a birthday present in July, it might as well be related to this, because this is serious, people!  I'm thinking, maybe I can move after my lease is up if I find a decent room for $600.  I had a lot of great ideas while I was working today, but I was also making lattes at the speed of sound, so I don't really remember much.  I might try to busk with my viola.

Provided I (we) can figure out the finances, there will be tons of choices and preparation.  I'll try to use this blog as repository for information on the development.  Details like where we're going and so forth.

I would like this trip to be an adventure that strengthens the bonds of a great friendship, and which lends me some sense of direction for my studies, career, and life.  Also, I would like to volunteer in some way while I'm down there (because I would help any community I find myself in, not because I believe them to be in great need of help from Americans).

I apologize for my rambling.  If anyone has traveled to South America, or has done backpacking, and would like to give us some advice, feel free to leave a comment!